The Secret of Being Loved and Liked, Without Trying Too Hard

I used to think people liked me….

….for the witty things I said, or the exciting stories I told.

And I believed that’s what scored me a date with Sophia, a very attractive Russian. She was so cold towards others, but with me she let her guard down, and I liked that–a lot. At work she was this very hard working employee: she goes to work, does her job (a great job), and goes home –“This girl’s a Bitch” is what you’d say to her if you’d just met her.  But, one day, she heard a rumor that her hard line stance on keeping her personal life separate from work life had kept her from getting a promotion. Basically, her employers were promoting people they liked versus who they believed was better qualified for the job.

How I got Dragged In

Sophia’s company was sponsoring a charity event and she wanted to prove to her employers that she could as easily be the outgoing Mr. Hyde as well as the professional Dr. Jekyll, that she doesn’t have to always be stern, strict and edgy all the time.

Sure enough, she believed by bringing me to this event I would bring out the “social graces” in her that I had come to love and appreciate, hoping that her employers would get to see another side of her and she would get that promotion.

But the timing couldn’t have been worse! I came down with one of the worst allergic reactions due to dandelions (don’t judge me!). My eyes were glued shut to my face and my nose was runny and stuffed—I was in no mood to do anything, not even eat Vietnamese Noodle Soup(Pho), my favorite dish. But because I knew it meant a lot to her, I sucked it up, got ready and went to her shindig.

At the event I met a couple of her co-workers. I smiled and shook hands but because of my condition I felt that I really didn’t help her situation at all.

Later that night, curled in bed I couldn’t have felt worse, and not just physically.  ”You were such a drag at the party!” I told myself, ashamed, I did not even want to see Sophia afterwards. But, the following day, she called to inform me that I was a smash! Everyone loved me!

I was flabbergasted!

I didn’t tell a single joke or make any witty comments or share my favorite party story about the homeless guy who stole my dinner (which never fails to amuse!).

This got me really thinking, I thought back to what exactly I did and how I reacted to the crowd: I did nothing more than laugh, ask questions and simply nod at people while I interacted with them. I came to realize people loved me not for the things I said, but for how I made them feel about themselves.

And that’s what I want to share with you today, how you can get people to love and like you, without having to put on a show.  You don’t need to throw out fancy one-liners or perform somersaults!

Here’s How You can be Loved and Liked, Without Trying Too Hard:

• Compliments, Smiling and Relating: Yes I know, this sounds obvious—but it’s a double-edged sword and often can do more harm than good if not done right.

• Asking Questions: People love talking about themselves (myself included). I used to think to be liked, you had to add two cents into a conversation. But have you ever met someone who was really good at probing and asking questions, hours can pass before you’ve noticed they’ve had you talking about yourself the entire time. There’s a sudden liking to this type of conversationalist. I can go on and on about asking questions, but I’ll just give you the skinny.  There are two main types of questions, opinions and facts. Normally, when you first meet someone, you want to first ask a personal fact, then follow up with a personal opinion question.

Example:

You: Are you from here?(Personal Fact Question)

Them: No, I’ve just moved here from Austin, Texas.

You: Welcome to New York! How’s it going for you? (Personal Opinion)

Ultimately, you want to ask for an opinion question because it will get someone to commit all the while allowing them to talk about life from their own perspective. Which is a ideal.

• Be curious: If you should come across a hobby someone is into, but you’re unfamiliar with, simply get curious and ask about it. Ask what it’s about, Ask what got them into it, Ask yourself if you’d like to try it out after discovering this new information. Just because you haven’t experienced something, doesn’t mean you can’t try to relate to it. If you look upon yourself as being an ongoing student of the universe, people will appreciate you much more.

• Nod: This may sound simple, but it does wonders. Because  nodding reaffirms someone you’re taking in and following along what they’re saying, it lets them know that you appreciate their time and effort.

• Eye Contact: Eye contact and nodding go hand in hand. Again, this may sound simple, but it is much easier said than done. You’d be surprised how many people do not look at the person they are talking with. The worst you can do is to look around the room when someone is talking to you – it’s disrespectful and very discouraging for the speaker. It says to the speaker, “I’m really not interested”.

• 10 second rule: Taken from one of my favorite sites: Thinksimplenow.

It can sometimes be painful to have to wait until someone finishes a sentence. I’m a natural interrupter, and it conflicts with my desire of becoming a better listener. So, to avoid interrupting, or even jumping in immediately after the person takes a quick breathe of air (when they actually have more to say), I use the 10 second rule. I will count to 10 slowly in my mind when the person takes a pause. You’d be surprised how much people open up when you give them enough space to speak. In reality, I actually use the 30 second rule, but started with 10 and moved to 30 with some practice.

So what qualities have you noticed people love about you most?  Got any tips on how to be more likable? Share your thoughts and questions on the comments section below!

Tagged as: Relate, Self Development

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